The Last All Japan Match of 1982
The finals of the annual Real World Tag League holds a special place in the All Japan calendar. Not only is it the culmination of All Japan’s last tournament of the year, it is also oftentimes positioned as the very last match of All Japan’s calendar year as a whole. It’s the big final impression the company leaves its fans with before venturing into the new year.
Star-power wise, it’s no wonder why this match gets to hold that honor in 1982. The Funks are certified heroes in Japan, and also a well-beloved resource to the company’s roster. Dozens of All Japan’s stars from this era and the next have had to learn under The Funks’, their significance can not be underplayed in the slightest. They are institutions of pro wrestling all over the world, even here all the way across the Pacific.
Their opponents are interlopers. Crazed wildman Bruiser Brody, and bullrope-swinging cowboy Stan Hansen who recently jumped from New Japan. At their best, both Brody and Hansen act as irritants. They disrupt the status quo of the companies they’re in, leaving carnge and a sense of danger in their wake.
It’s a real simple pairing—the virtuous, classically-trained Funks against the much more rough and tumble heels.
The match itself excels primarily on the backs of two fantastic performances from the best wrestlers in the match: Hansen and Funk (who shall command the name, as Dory will be Dory). Hansen, working at the peak of his powers, creates urgency in his matches. Many have described him as a bull in a china shop, barelling on through his competition. Funk, meanwhile, has the distinct power to make everything in a match feel like its of life and death importance.
Funk’s the kind of wrestler that demands attention. He might just be one of the biggest performers of all time. Every movement plays to the cheap seats, he’s brimming with an irrepressible energy. There’s a wildness to him that feels so raw. Just think of how he absorbs a huge dropkick from Stan Hansen then flies into the ropes, getting tangled in them from the impact.
Some have taken to calling it overindulgent or overly theatrical, but I never really got that from Funk. When the fans in Kuramae Kokugikan are roaring and the blood starts pouring, Funk’s expressiveness just feels right at home.
Funk doesn’t sacrifice subtlety for his expressiveness though. In fact, some of his most compelling work in this match comes from smaller actions that make for big moments. A key example would be in the early portions of the match when he tries to whether a beating from Hansen by wailing on Hansen’s knee with punches. Hansen’s only gives out at the very last second just as he’s able to tag in Brody, and Funk would attempt this tactic again later on.
When trying to mount his comeback while being battered by the heels, Funk clutches to his opponent’s tights just for the leverage to get back to his feet. Better yet, he uses it to drag his opposition into punches and headbutts just so that he can find a way to break through their oppressive control.
Beyond Funk, the whole match feels scrappy. Even Dory’s limited ringtime sees him only ever firing off his famed lifters or going for the spinning toe hold to get the victory, and even then he also finds a way to blade as his brother does, so I can’t really complain on that front. There’s even a strong transition point that involves Dory trying to apply the spinning toe hold only for Brody to grab at him from the apron, which spills into a brawl on the outside.
It’s such a great match, until it just isn’t.
Just as things start really cooking with Hansen taking out Funk with a Western Lariat on the floor. Funk, the ham that he is, covers himself in discarded streamers and convulses in them so there’s just a pulsating pile of paper on the floor. It’s hilarious and awesome. But then, that’s contrasted with Hansen wiping out the ref with a Western Lariat aimed at Dory. It looks like shit, and the match ends on a DQ.
It puts an asterisk on an otherwise fantastic brawl. A DQ in itself is not a bad finish, but as the final note to close out All Japan’s year, in the finals of their second largest tournament, it’s a wet fart of an ending. It’s the kind of thing that All Japan would abuse throughout the decade, notably later in the decade when making the teases towards unifying their top titles too. That same frustration can be felt here as The Funks get their big tournament win, but it’s a technical victory more than a moral or physical one.
Still, it’s a big brawl with a lot of Terry Funk and a lot of Stan Hansen, and two guys that know well enough to keep out of their way.
IS IT BETTER THAN 6/3/94? No, man, but it’s still pretty great.
Rating: ****
Fun read, I'll have to watch this match haha