A Piledriver at Sea | WCW Monday Nitro 3/27/00

47 seconds into this edition of WCW Monday Nitro, “Mean” Gene Okerlund thanks a “young lady” for showing him her tits. “You’re very proud of those, aren’t you?” he says, saluting. “Thank you, sweetheart.” Tony Schiavone guffaws in mock disbelief. This is the year 2000, motherfuckers. This is the goddamn FUTURE.

Except, of course, for the fact that it isn’t. 364 days after this event, WCW will die. It will never be brought back. Nobody will be held to account for its death, at least not in any real sense, as the architects of the promotion’s demise were also responsible, at least partially, for drawing a hell of a lot of money for WCW or the WWE, causing an unreal amount of talent and capital to circle the drain with them as mainstream wrestling stagnated for the better part of two decades. 

Believe it or not, this episode wasn’t booked by Vince Russo or Eric Bischoff, whose last ditch attempt at saving WCW from themselves wouldn’t begin until April 10. This episode, which gets to feeling like eavesdropping on a nightmare blunt rotation’s goon session the moment Kimberly Page walks out to the ring, was booked by Kevin Sullivan, who had been flailing around trying to course correct for Vince Russo’s first reign as the head of WCW Creative for three months. It didn't work! Sullivan’s promotion to head booker led to the departures of Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko, and Perry Saturn, which would have hurt pretty badly without the additional insult of their leaving the day after Benoit won the WCW Championship on PPV. 

This is a fucked company, y’all. A tired-ass, worn out promotion with no ideas, whose lifeline was a late-model rehash of red-and-yellow Hulkamania Hulk Hogan, who does not fit the abrasive, edge-lord vibe of Russo's that Sullivan tried to maintain because he was now, in the year 2000, catching up with a culture he didn’t understand rather than working to shock a culture that didn’t understand him. This show has become famous for the whole “THAT’S THE WALL, BROTHER” thing, which is really funny, but it’s sad watching WCW grasp at the Hogan vs. Big Monster Heel formula it’d only reliably fucked up, with a Big Monster Heel in The Wall who was neither as good as The Giant would become, nor as good as any of the Big Monster Heels of Hogan’s past who were imported into WCW to fill out the ranks of the Dungeon of Doom. You have this horseshit, and you have Mean Gene calling himself a “talent scout” like a fucking letch. WCW shouldn’t have died, but boy did it deserve to. 

Up Next: I'm back to watching Nitro via VHS rips, which means the 288-sided die is back in play. The die immediately told me go to fuck myself and stay in the year 2000, landing on episode 264, from Boondall, Queensland, Australia. The boondoggle Australian tour! Eight matches, including a "Down Underwear" match between Tygress and Torrie Wilson that feels like a lock for the bottom of the MASTERLIST in spirit, but one never knows.

THE WCW MONDAY NITRO MASTERLIST

Every episode of WCW Monday Nitro. Every match. Reviewed and ranked.

BIG EGGColette Arrand